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Sun, Mar. 6th, 2005, 03:33 am
PTQ Philedelphia or The Scrub Corner

So I had been planning to go to the extended PTQ for a while, not realizing how quickly it was approaching. This last week I'd been testing The Rock alot to get ready for it. The deck just seemed too slow and not broken at all unlike every other extended deck. Early turns it just dropped mana accel and maybe some discard disruption. It's the kinda deck that will just sit there when your opponent is doing some stupid shit like gain a billion life or mill your whole deck or something. So I tried out B/G aggro. That deck is a travesty. Slow as fuck AND less controlling than the rock. The night before the PTQ I'm hanging out at The Den trying to think of what to do when Pat says, "Why don't you just play Scepter/Chant?" So I borrowed all the cards I needed for it and threw it together midnight that night. Got in some testing against Aluren and RDW2K5ver2.1.dec.dec (HAHAHDHHAEHHEHA) I love making myself smile, anyway, after that I get two hours of sleep that will no doubt improve my performance as opposed to say, getting some real rest. Especially when I'm playing a fucking control/combo deck. This is my first PTQ. First match is Reanimator. This bodes well for me. Ice and chant fuck him in his angel's butt. I have no hot scepter plays, they seem to be missing in action. I do however counter a reanimate and get a meddling mage naming Exhume in play though. This is followed by a flipped Exalted. He gets that bitch Akroma in play somehow, its kinda fuzzy but anyway he starts chipping away at my life while I can't attack because my angel just outright dies to his. I do have an ice in hand and swing in for one turn. With things not looking good in my first ever PTQ game what can I do but topdeck like a whore and ice his shit for the win. Lucky me I've got 3 seal of removals that rape him in the SB and some wraths. Game 2 not even close, he goes, uhh reanimate some huge thing, as I proceed to bounce it. YES! Victory is mine! First ever PTQ match a win! And I just fucking built this deck that night before and I'd never played the deck before. The joy quickly diminishes as I realize this thing is SEVEN rounds. It's gonna last at least 7 hours. Onto match 2! Something very special happened match 2. In the second time in 3 weeks I won a game before taking my first turn. My opponent decided to not play with land in his deck. But then at the last minute he must have decided to be safe and put them in. He did however forget the crucial step of registering said land. Game loss for him. He's got Mind's Desire playing first and goes 2nd turn Sapphire Medallion. How does control deal with this? Counter's cost 2 blue and scepter isn't online yet? What do I do you ask? I force spike that motherfucker. YEAYH! Force Spike all the way. It has got to be the shittiest feeling having your shit force spiked ugh, feels pretty good from this side tho. I follow that tech up with scepter counter, and then scepter chant which elicits a big scooop from him. I'm feeling great at this point, not only am I 2-0 but Robby is as well! Robby and I are all at the top table for round 3. He's at table 1, I'm at 3, and get this, Jessie Rivers is table 2! Half of the top table in a PTQ is team fucking Monster Den. Fuck yea. Unfortunately, we all lost. Boo. I got hosed by a fucking teched out Sqirrel/Opp deck. Ugh, Wirewood Symbiote+Living Wish/Shaman, elf card drawer that costs 2, and deranged hermit are good against me I guess. Game 2 not even close. I'm stuck on 2 land after 2 Brainstorms and a Serum Visions. I go crashing down a good 15 tables. Next match is the fucking mirror match. Fortunately for me, I'm not a goddamn idiot, and my opponent is, according to eyewitness reports. He turns out to be a real nice guy though, a fellow control player. He's playing a more late game oriented build with shadowmages, the AK engine minus Intiution for some reason, no Chrome Mox, and more counters than me. This match is grueling and definately the most demanding for both of us. Many vital decisions each turn. Game 1 I race the shit out of him. Scepter/Chant is called that for a reason as that is what happened plus some nice Exalted beats. He had surprisingly little action this game which he more than made up for in game 2. He removes my scepters and wins with shadowmages. At this point I realize the wraths in my board have to come in to stop that. I have no way to control a mage in play other than an online stick which he can remove. This turns out to be a good decision as I'm able to remove 2 of his mages with a wrath late game and then play angel next turn for the win. Pat was saying he made alot of bad decisions, but I know I fucked up alot that match too. I'd love to have it back to do it again, I did pull it out though and I'm happy about that. Match 5 is against Goblins. The Red Army is my first pure aggro match all day and I'm confident about my chances especially with 4 Chills in the board. Game 1 I control the game from the get go with stick Fire/Ice. He doesn't get through it as I get an active Angel out. Game 2 I finally get to play with Chills. Oh Chill, you are so unfair and awesome. This plan doesn't quite work out as he just gets 2 Aether Vials and doesn't even cast red spells and wins with early beats and a late pile of dead goblins that have turned themselves into a Sulfuric Vortex. Boo urns. Game 3 is the god game and the most broken shit the deck did all tourney. Turn 1 I go land, mox, Chill. He cringes, lays a mountain and passes it. I drop stick counter. He still does have an out in Aether Vial. God damn Aether Vial. A Meddling Mage soon puts an end to that possibility as the mage goes downtown all the way for the win. Just for good measure I think I laid scepterchant as well. That was some awesome shit. Match 6 I have the possibility to make place in the money. I just have to win 1 of the 2 remaining matches. Determined to make it this match we shuffle it up. He's got Teen Titan. Paul was playing titan and I tested a bit against it, it seems like a decent matchup for me, I seem to remember winning most of the games against him. I did forget that Paul doesn't actually play Magic tho. Real Teen Titan rapes me so bad. The games weren't even close. He had strategy superiority over me. I had the cards in hand it wasn't like I wasn't drawing I just lost straight out. I'm starting to sweat some bullets here. Spending 20 bucks and a full workday for no prize does not sound enticing. When I see that my opponent looks like the posterboy for D&D the magazine I know that the match will be mine and all those packs as well. Gotta actually win it though. He's got Reanimator, and jank Reanimator at that. It just boggles my mind how he could have the same record as me with such a jank deck. He had fucking buried alive and Rorix Bladewing. He does actually manage a game 1 win with some quick Rorix beats *groans*. I tell myself after that that it doesn't matter. I've already won the match with the SB tech. Call me the prophet. The scepters and seals come out to ownz him. I even got a first turn scepter 3rd game which got the scoop. 12 PACKS ARE MINE! I placed 12th out of 127 players! With a deck I had never played before that day and built that night! It felt good. Unfortunately Robby scrubbed out and Pat got fucked by God his last match to not place in the money. Great feeling though. My constructed rating is gonna go through the roof, the roof man, it's gonna go through it. As Robby said, "It's really a testament to your playskill that you did so well with a deck you'd never played, that's really impressive." *Warm and Fuzzy* And then the money draft. I'll get into that next time loyal viewers. Until next time, don't play Red Deck Wins in extended and may all your matches be favorable in PTQs and life.

Thu, Feb. 10th, 2005, 12:26 am

I want to die

Mon, Feb. 7th, 2005, 10:45 pm

Mel and I are going to move out at the end of the lease in Sept. She's going to move to Carson City to be with her best friend and be closer to her potential new boyfriend. I will move in with Robby if he can get a job. Tomorrow I'll find out if he'll be getting a job with me at ServiceMaster, also known as SlaveMaster.

Apparently Mel has bestowed upon me a number of prestigious "Best of Boyfriends" (copyright pending) awards. I received, "Smartest Boyfriend". A very honorable award, and I was the frontrunner going into ballot season I might add. I also received the vaunted "One of the hottest" award. Obviously I'm disappointed not to be the undisputed champ. That having been said this came as a total shock as I do not believe my assets in this area to be of note. One more award was later lavished upon myself. I'm not sure if I'm currently at liberty to discuss the subject of said award.

I will say that it made me feel utterly bashful, and strange. I have always perceived myself as unattractive, it is bizarre to come across these strange people who disagree with me. Anyway, that whole thing made me feel better. I hate myself for not being perfect in relationships. It eats away at me, until I can no longer type on lj.

Relationships are so exhausting mentally. You don't even realize it. Now that I'm not with Mel my relationship with Robby has redeveloped. I have been doing things with other people, which is more than likely healthy. I'm still left with an emptiness though. You'd think that after facing the same problem over, and over, and over and over, I'd have worked out some sort of solution. I guess my best attempt at a solution is to wait a heinous amount of time after my last relationship, and then bumble into another one. Wash, rinse and repeat. And then during said waiting time listen to overtly depressing music, like this fine piece of verbiage. The sad part is, this accurately describes every meaningful relationship I've been in.

I live a life that's sheltered
I’m constantly alone
I’m pointing out my weakness
There’s an emptiness at home

I need to find a reason
To live this way
I’m running out of patience
And my life is over

I’m standing here
But I’m on my way
Searching to find an answer
I’m standing here
But it’s all the same
And I’m running out of patience

I've obtained my reason
For you
And I have gained a reason
For you

But you left me
You left me here
And I’m all alone

I've been stripped of my innocence
I take pity in myself
A certain chain of events
That have left me in this hell

I need to find a reason
To live this way
I’m running out of patience
And my life is over

I’m standing here
But I’m on my way
Searching to find an answer
I’m standing here
But it’s all the same
And I’m running out of patience

I've obntained my reason
For you
And I have gained a reason
For you

But you left me
You left me here
And I’m all alone
I’m all alone
I’m all alone
I’m all alone
I’m all alone

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Well I’m searching
To find my reason
To find a reason
To find my reason
Why I need you
And I need you
And I want you
But I need to
Get away from you
And I need you
And I want you
But I need to
Get away from you
And I need you
And I want you
But I need to
Get away from you
And I need you
And I want you
But I need to
Get away from you

And I will take my reason
From you
And I needed someone to love me
But you just left me
Here and I’m lonely
You know I needed
Someone to love me
But I’m all alone

Thu, Feb. 3rd, 2005, 10:40 pm

Welcome to the progrum. I'm your host, the mad topdecker Eternal Witness. I've had an interesting morning, in the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car and my girlfriend. "You still have your health."

Do you use your computer every second of every day? Are you glad that Alzheimer's, Mad Cow (BSE), CJD, ALS, Huntington's, and Parkinson's disease exist? If you answered negative on both counts you should go to http://www.stanford.edu/group/pandegroup/folding/ download the progrum and run it in the background. Keep your computer on with it running even when you're not around. It uses distributed computing to simulate protein folding to fight said diseases.

BREAKING NEWS
This just in, this just in, the verdict in the trial of President Bush was reached today. The verdict reads as "The jury has found against you being a redneck white bred chicken shit motherfucker." After hearing the verdict, Mr. Bush, who was on trial for being a deranged murderous demon, jumped out of his seat and proclaimed, "I will eat your soul." Directly following this outburst he polymorphed into his true form which one person described as "not unsimilar to Sauron from Lord of the Rings". At this point we're not sure exactly what transpired. There are reports that "some bitch" and her midget friend stuck a sword directly through Mr. Bush's face. Apparantly Mr. Bush spontaneously combusted as pure evil is want to do. This just in.

*WARNING* THE FOLLOWING WAS WRITTEN WITH NO INTENTION TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
So anyway, I was thinking people with bipolar should feel blessed. Half the time they're depressed, half the time they're basically high and feeling crazy good. I don't see what's so bad with that, I mean, it's better than being all depressed. Shit, I'd kill to be bipolar. Reading that sentence out of context makes me laugh.

I'm sick and tired of women complaining about sex. Women are apparently more difficult to please than men. That may be, I don't know for sure. What I do know is that women have over twice as many neurons in their crotch than what I'm packing. You're sick of menstruating? Tired of that lousy sex you're getting? I'll trade up with you any day of the week. The reason men don't moan during sex isn't because we're too proud, it's because it just isn't that intoxicating. The first time I had sex the only thought in my mind was, "that was not the mindblowing experience I thought it was going to be". Be happy with what you have. You at least have the possibility of multiple orgasms too. Now I can only speak from personal experience, but it seems like women in general have more learning to do then men. A competent blowjob seems to be worth its weight in gold. Meanwhile, giving good oral sex to a woman should not be that difficult to learn. There's no reason it should be. Read a couple of articles on the internet and just change it up once in a while. Try a little bit. If you aren't with someone who puts some effort into it that's on you and I do not want to hear about it.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT MATERIAL HAS BEEN CONTAINED

Speaking of women, I think I might be one. After reading this I had to check just to make sure.

"This year, 19 million Americans will suffer a serious depression. Two out of three will be female. Over the course of their lives, 21.3 percent of women and 12.7 percent of men experience at least one bout of major depression.

The female preponderance in depression is virtually universal. And it's specific to unipolar depression. Males and females suffer equally from bipolar, or manic, depression. However, once depression occurs, the clinical course is identical in men and women.

The gender difference in susceptibility to depression emerges at 13. Before that age, boys, if anything, are a bit more likely than girls to be depressed. The gender difference seems to wind down four decades later, making depression mostly a disorder of women in the child-bearing years.

As director of the Virginia Institute for Psychiatric and Behavioral Genetics at Virginia Commonwealth University, Kenneth S. Kendler, M.D., presides over "the best natural experiment that God has given us to study gender differences"--thousands of pairs of opposite-sex twins. He finds a significant difference between men and women in their response to low levels of adversity. He says, "Women have the capacity to be precipitated into depressive episodes at lower levels of stress."

Adding injury to insult, women's bodies respond to stress differently than do men's. They pour out higher levels of stress hormones and fail to shut off production readily. The female sex hormone progesterone blocks the normal ability of the stress hormone system to turn itself off. Sustained exposure to stress hormones kills brain cells, especially in the hippocampus, which is crucial to memory.

It's bad enough that females are set up biologically to internally amplify their negative life experiences. They are prone to it psychologically as well, finds University of Michigan psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.

Women ruminate over upsetting situations, going over and over negative thoughts and feelings, especially if they have to do with relationships. Too often they get caught in downward spirals of hopelessness and despair.

It's entirely possible that women are biologically primed to be highly sensitive to relationships. Eons ago it might have helped alert them to the possibility of abandonment while they were busy raising the children. Today, however, there's a clear downside. Ruminators are unpleasant to be around, with their oversize need for reassurance. Of course, men have their own ways of inadvertently fending off people. As pronounced as the female tilt to depression is the male excess of alcoholism, drug abuse and antisocial behaviors."

From http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20030624-000003.html Very interesting.

There's serious metal fatigue in all the load bearing structures, the power grid is woefully inadequate for our energy needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone. We'll take it.

Mon, Jan. 31st, 2005, 04:58 pm
Movies and stuffs

Don't make me break my foot up in yo ass.
Don't see shitty movies. Spend an extra 5min researching which movies are well made and which ones are steaming piles of dog shit. It's worth it. Take the extra 15 min to drive to the art house and see something real and not just a studio's way of whoring itself out.

The new movie Elektra features Jennifer Garner as a do good assassin type out to save the world. But Garner's main opposition comes from Will Yun Lee, playing a baddie with the superhuman ability to speak only in clichés. It's the most amazing talent and is only surpassed by Gwyneth Paltrow's uncanny ability to be a total fucking cunt throughout an entire feature length motion picture. Moving on..

Million Dollar Baby is a film by Clint Eastwood starring himself, Hillary Swank and Morgan Freeman. It's a "boxing" movie, but it's much more than just that. The movie treads heavily in feelings of guilt and shame, but also explores what it means to be alive; defining your purpose in life. You can tell that Eastwood's characters have a very deep sense of feeling for one another. They are truly alive. It was refreshing to see such vibrant people on screen. One thing that's interesting about this movie is that a significant portion of the film occurs after the climax of the movie. It stayed together well though, and kept flowing fluidly. If you're not in the mood for a downer, save this one for another time. Million Dollar Baby is quite possibly the best film of the year. And this is coming from someone who's a sap for romance films in a year that produced both Before Sunset and Sideways. It's at the very least heads and shoulders above the overrated The Aviator.

I'm getting my room set up. My mom is making me pay for my fucking bed. Wtf mate? My Dad is gonna try to talk her out of it though. My Dad is without a doubt the coolest dad ever. He's taking me to Rome AND he's a socialist. How cool is that? He's also trying to play matchmaker for me with a girl who's coming on the trip to Rome. It's a high school trip run by my step mom who's a teacher and I'm tagging along. She's cute, and seems intelligent. Normally the type of person I'd be attracted to. And then my good friends shame and memory dropped by to pay me a visit. Sadly, I've not fully recovered from what happened.

It's funny how time is the only thing that heals pain absolutely. That which I fear most is the only thing that keeps me alive; ironic no? Our brian's could have easily evolved so as we would not forget. In fact they have evolved so that we can forget; forget the pain; forget the hurt. The sands of time will find their way into every gash, every laceration, every puncture of my heart.

I wish I was happy. Wouldn't that be nice? (anyone who says no will have a fist shaken at them, as a sidebar to this sidebar, "shake harder boy, shake harder") Depressive episodes aren't supposed to last continuously from the latter half of adolescence into adulthood. Someone should tell my brain that. That's not the way things are supposed to work around here. On the plus side I may either be getting health insurance from my job or my Dad is going to put me back on his insurance. (see preceding paragraph)

Thu, Jan. 27th, 2005, 05:04 pm

With an open mind and a hole in his head to prove it, here he is Destavi!

So I was out with my dad at a chinese buffet having a nice meal. I opened up my fortune cookie and it said "Truism". My Dad's said "Addage". Strangest thing really.

DONT SEE ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. To quote, "We're surrounded, do you know what this means?" "It means they could attack at any moment." No, what it actually means is that this could be the worst action movie you see all weekend. That's right the whole weekend, even if you have a four day weekend or something, it's still going to be the worst. * 1 star

SEE SIDEWAYS INSTEAD. Sideways was fantastic, one of the best dramas of the year if not one of the best movies of the year. The story is about two friends (Jack and Miles) who go on a roadtrip to celebrate Jack's upcoming marriage. Jack is off to get some "action" before being constrained to only his wife, something not in his nature. Miles is a wine conessur and is more looking forward to indulging himself with his hobby to numb the pain of his divorce. The film is like getting to know two of your own friends. At first you're having a great time and everyone is happy, and then you get to see their problems. And it is their problems that make them interesting. Miles is consumed by the loss of his wife, and can't accept change. Meanwhile, Jack literally devoures change. One day less than a week before his marriage, he cheats on his wife with two different women. If the two characters could somehow merge into one being they might make a semblence of a normal person, then again they could end up bipolar. Sideways is depressing, nerve wracking, thrilling and most of all enjoyable. You should see sideways. **** 4 stars


One of the depressing things about Sideways is seeing myself in the pitiful main character. Watching him just be a depressive mope and then thinking, I know exactly how that feels, or, I've done that before, makes me sad. And then at the end of the the person I saw it with said, "He made me think of you". Sucks for me. At least I haven't started drinking heavily, yet. I'm not twenty one yet so I can still hit that platau.

I feel like I should be crying. This is one of the things I hate most. I should be feeling terribly sad, and yet I can't even feel that. I'm so numb I can't even tell when I'm hungry, my stomach just starts to hurt. Sometimes I think I can feel the depression manifest itself in my head as physical pain. It's not a normal headache, it just hurts... My memory has turned to shit. I'm forgetting things left and right, or is it, right and left, I can't remember. Every day goes by bringing me nothing but one day closer to the end. I don't feel anything. I'm the incredible man with no emotions! Watch as I feel hallow and empty! Wait that might not be so exciting. Hmm, watch as I fix everything that needs fixing; cars, TV's, marriages. As for payment I only accept golden nuggets, or Denver Nuggets, chicken nuggets. Whatever you got on you.


What does anyone reading this look forward to? Just think about for a day or so if you can't think of anything right away. I don't look forward to anything. That is depressing, or rather depression is the result of that. A couple weeks ago I was able to look at things so as to get excited about them. I don't even feel one iota of excitement thinking about it. AND THEN PAT HAD TO GO AND FUCKING CALL ME AND CHEER UP. GOD DAMN IT PAT CANT I HAVE ONE DEPRESSIVE RANT WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED AND MADE ALL NOT DEPRESSED.

Pat is a jerk.

Wed, Jan. 19th, 2005, 10:54 pm
My Fucking Computer Works!!!!

MY COMPUTER WORKS!!!!!!!! Now all I need to do is completely upgrade it so I have more than 1% hard drive space open. I want to get a bigger hard drive. When I do that I of course want to go with Serial ATA not parallel. Parallel is so 20th century. If I upgrade my HD to SATA I then have to upgrade my CPU and motherboard as well. I've been doing a lot of research on CPUs and mobos and I think I know which ones I want. I may even get back into modding my comp. Now that would be fun. Rig up a DIY watercooling system. It'll be awesome.

And now for something completely different.

" The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."
- Benjamin Franklin

Tue, Jan. 18th, 2005, 11:13 pm
Feeling lonely

Last week was a lot of fun. I played in (and won) the Magic type 1.5 tournament at the Monster Den. It was a blast.

*BEGIN BANAL MAGIC BANTER* (You should just skip to the end if you don't know anything about Magic)
I was playing B/g Suicide with deeds and spiritmongers. In the semifinals I played against a U/w control deck. First turn, Negator. Second turn, swing for 5. Cast ANOTHER Negator! It was hot. Third turn, swing for 10. Fourth turn, win. The techiest play of the afternoon came when I was playing the same U/w deck. I had a Negator out and he was searching for an answer (this is post sideboard). So he has the brilliant idea to board in Bribery, (hoping I like big creatures too much to take out the mongers) anyway, he casts Bribery with five land out. He looks through my deck and finds, NO SPIRITMONGERS. He grudgingly gets a Negator of his own. At this point I have 7 land out. He passes the turn and I swing in for 5. He blocks. I go down to 2 land and him to none. We play a few turns of draw go and I eventually draw and resolve a threat while he is still searching for gas.

In last weeks draft there was another amazing play. I'm playing U/G aggro control vs. B/R spirits. My opponent has board position. He has a thief of hope in play and a land and hanabi blast in hand. I have a kami of the hunt in play and a consuming vortex in hand. On his turn he blasts the kami. In response I vortex his thief, a foil one at that, back to his hand. My kami gets 1/ 1 until eot because vortex is arcane, and now hes got the chance of losing his thief. The air is intense, I can see the sweat rolling off his forehead. He shuffles up hoping that the longer he shuffles the greater the chance is that I pick his land. I reach for the middle card revealing, ... Thief of Hope! MISE! I hear the trumpets in the background spreading my glory across the store. My opponent stares in disbelief that his own blast not only failed to kill my creature, but essentially killed his own. The virtual card advantage is steaming out of my ears at this point and I go on to win the match. I didn't win this one but placed in the money and got myself another week of free drafts.

*END MAGIC BANTER*

I don't mean to sound so irrepressibly drab and awful, but I have been feeling really terrible as of late. It's not quite as bad as a couple weeks ago, but the overriding sense of emptiness is still there. I did a little online research on Major Depression and found out some interesting facts.

"It is a commonplace among clinicians that depression is not a feeling, but an absence of feeling. That is, depression is different than feeling sadness, loneliness, or disappointment. Rather it is the experience blankness, hollowness, or nullity. But there is also near consensus that the blankness results from the suppression of feeling. That is, depression is a defense against emotional pain that seems so continuous as to be unbearable. Rather than feel the constant pain, one numbs the senses......

However, their bodily expression, excepting the face, uniformly were suggestive of another primary emotion, shame. Indeed, their bodies positively radiated shame. The manner of each of the older men in the interview can be interpreted as an expression of continuing shame. Over-soft speech, lack of eye contact, slowness, fluster, and self-blame all are elemental shame indicators. The behavior and appearance of these men suggested that they were deeply ashamed for most of the interview. These observations support Lewis’s (1981) theory of depression: although suppressed grief and anger may be present, the primary emotion is unacknowledged (unconscious) shame....

Probably the dominant source of shame, however, was one that may have been characteristic of all of these men: none them seemed to have a single secure bond with another human being."
http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/faculty/scheff/12.html The full report if anyone is interested.
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.major.html This is the site where I found it on, it's all about Major Depression

I've had Major Depression for about 5 years, maybe 6 now. I didn't really realize that depression is not just sadness and everything that goes along with that but is the actual numbing of your emotions. I've felt that, and it makes alot of sense. An epiphany of sorts if you will. It's very disheartening to learn about this though, or maybe heartening if you're a glass full kinda guy. The reason for this is that I believe that this is a big reason that my relationship with Mel failed, and quite possibly the same reason many of my other relationships failed. With Mel, I could feel that I really liked her, but I couldn't feel anything more than that, even though I felt that I should. Or to rephrase that, that if I was healthy I would be feeling more.

In one sense it's good to know that the feelings of hollowness are part of the depression, in that it can be treated. The flipside to that is that for the first time in my life I don't have health insurance. No psychotherapist for me.

I'm too tired to think anymore. Maybe next time I'll reflect some more.

Fri, Jan. 7th, 2005, 04:46 am
I have a computer!

Wow I finally have my computer working again. Truly amazing. Within the next few days I'm going to order cable internet at home. I can't wait to have my comp working again, it's been so long. That means I may attempt to make a real journal out of this thing with updates more than once every 2 months. I also know how many ppl are just dying to delve deep into my thoughts on livejournal. That would be two people, maybe. A good one and a half anyway. Ari says this is a good way to meet awesomely neat people. Sounds cool.

I can't feel my heart
But I feel the shame
Nothing left to say
Soon I'll fade away

Throw open your window and scream "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

*An update on current events*
Mel and I have split. Before we broke up, she met a guy she'd met on the internet, got drunk and fucked him. Booooo =( *tear* That hurt alot. When she told me what had happened, I didn't even know how to react. My first thought was of movies, and soap operas. I just thought, oh that's something that happens in movies, weird. That's not what even bothers me the most. For some time before that we had been having problems with getting complacent, we'd just sorta hang out. There wasn't any intensity. So we talked about that and decided to try to get things back to the way they were. This was shortly before she cheated on me. I still thought we were trying to make it work when that happened. Even though things weren't going the greatest I had hope that they were going to improve. It's like getting cheated on twice.

The aforementioned events have made me particularily depressed as of late. Pat helped to cheer me up with the line "well, MERRY CHRISTMAS Chris, I hope you like your present" referring to the cheating. He's got a great sense of humor. I feel better now than I first did about it. Mel and I are getting along well. She worries about me, about how depressed I get. This line is currently making me sad "If you can't deal with breaking up then you aren't ready to be dating". I've never been able to deal with change well, especially gfs dumping me. How are you not supposed to take it personally though? Will someone explain that to me. Someone breaking up with you is them telling you that you have been rejected as a partner. Everything that you are is not good enough to have the deepest connection with them.

I feel so alone. It's like a dark shroud has come over me. At times I feel as if the weight of the world is on me, unable to move, reeling. What's the point of living if this is to be my existence. For the past 5-6 years I've been fairly consistently depressed. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just the cold grasp of the shadows. I fantasize about suicide. The worst part (or maybe this is the best part, I'm not sure) is that this isn't even close to the depths that I get to. So no one should be fearing for my life or anything. I've got so many problems suicide wouldn't solve them all.

It is said that depression itself is painful, but that the expression of depression is joyous. Here's some joy expressing itself
i cant wait to die. in 2 days ill try to get a gun from dorian or any other ghetto person i can. shoot myself in the heart.
3 years ive been depressed, the end is finally near. 2 more months of this shit before i can die. its almost something i can look forward to.
i cant wait that long. she thinks im some basket case. for YOUR sake i hope they (antidepressants) work, she doesnt really care if i get better, if shed said, I hope
you get better, then it would have been like, she wants me to get better, but she doesnt. she doesnt understand, i didnt make her happy. i just wish i could
see the expressions on ppl's faces when they find out i died, and then when they find out i killed myself. i wonder if she'll cry, or care. she'll probably
just say, well thats too bad, i told him he needed to get his life together, but its no skin off my back. i just worry about my dad. i cant stand the thought of him
being sad. fuck my mom. what a god damn annoyance she is. my friends are shit, they're not half as cool as Britta's friends. im such a piece of shit.
i look like ass, my attempts at personality are, feeble. all i have is pain. i would send the pain below, but below, it's full. i will not be remembered, except by
my parents. who would remember me even if i was a doorknob. i am invisible. noone cares about me. diediediediediediediediedieDIEdiediediedie
diediediedieDiedIediEdiediedieDEAD. how does the body live when the mind is dead? i wish i could will myself to stop breathing, stop my heart, i dont
need it. whats the point? what do i have to look forward to but more pain? i suppose i can look forward to dying. that will be fun. i have to do it right
by a wall, so my blood will splatter on the wall. ill take off my shirt too so i can see the wound. ill get all pumped up before i do it even though ill be sad
so i can live longer. i wonder what it will feel like, the physical pain of it and also, just knowing that ill never do anything else. i can savor the expressions of
my "friends" in a futile attempt to make believe that someone cares about me. no one has ever known me, so no one will really mourn me, it'll just be some
act that i put on that they'll mourn. ari will mourn my video game discussions. nate and ari will miss me as a car. my parents will miss my symbolic representation
of something good that they made. they didnt make anything good. they put out a shit product. defective, ugly, useless.
This is actually a couple years old, but I just found it and it's like something I could have wrote recently, or have wrote recently actually.

My force of will has been drained into a spawning pit of anger, durress, and terror. I love magic.

I hope this post at least is readable and has some sort of form to it, I'm tired as hell and going to bed.

Sat, Oct. 9th, 2004, 06:44 am

Sorry about the crappy layout I'm still playing around with it

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