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Fri, Jan. 7th, 2005, 04:46 am
I have a computer!

Wow I finally have my computer working again. Truly amazing. Within the next few days I'm going to order cable internet at home. I can't wait to have my comp working again, it's been so long. That means I may attempt to make a real journal out of this thing with updates more than once every 2 months. I also know how many ppl are just dying to delve deep into my thoughts on livejournal. That would be two people, maybe. A good one and a half anyway. Ari says this is a good way to meet awesomely neat people. Sounds cool.

I can't feel my heart
But I feel the shame
Nothing left to say
Soon I'll fade away

Throw open your window and scream "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

*An update on current events*
Mel and I have split. Before we broke up, she met a guy she'd met on the internet, got drunk and fucked him. Booooo =( *tear* That hurt alot. When she told me what had happened, I didn't even know how to react. My first thought was of movies, and soap operas. I just thought, oh that's something that happens in movies, weird. That's not what even bothers me the most. For some time before that we had been having problems with getting complacent, we'd just sorta hang out. There wasn't any intensity. So we talked about that and decided to try to get things back to the way they were. This was shortly before she cheated on me. I still thought we were trying to make it work when that happened. Even though things weren't going the greatest I had hope that they were going to improve. It's like getting cheated on twice.

The aforementioned events have made me particularily depressed as of late. Pat helped to cheer me up with the line "well, MERRY CHRISTMAS Chris, I hope you like your present" referring to the cheating. He's got a great sense of humor. I feel better now than I first did about it. Mel and I are getting along well. She worries about me, about how depressed I get. This line is currently making me sad "If you can't deal with breaking up then you aren't ready to be dating". I've never been able to deal with change well, especially gfs dumping me. How are you not supposed to take it personally though? Will someone explain that to me. Someone breaking up with you is them telling you that you have been rejected as a partner. Everything that you are is not good enough to have the deepest connection with them.

I feel so alone. It's like a dark shroud has come over me. At times I feel as if the weight of the world is on me, unable to move, reeling. What's the point of living if this is to be my existence. For the past 5-6 years I've been fairly consistently depressed. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Just the cold grasp of the shadows. I fantasize about suicide. The worst part (or maybe this is the best part, I'm not sure) is that this isn't even close to the depths that I get to. So no one should be fearing for my life or anything. I've got so many problems suicide wouldn't solve them all.

It is said that depression itself is painful, but that the expression of depression is joyous. Here's some joy expressing itself
i cant wait to die. in 2 days ill try to get a gun from dorian or any other ghetto person i can. shoot myself in the heart.
3 years ive been depressed, the end is finally near. 2 more months of this shit before i can die. its almost something i can look forward to.
i cant wait that long. she thinks im some basket case. for YOUR sake i hope they (antidepressants) work, she doesnt really care if i get better, if shed said, I hope
you get better, then it would have been like, she wants me to get better, but she doesnt. she doesnt understand, i didnt make her happy. i just wish i could
see the expressions on ppl's faces when they find out i died, and then when they find out i killed myself. i wonder if she'll cry, or care. she'll probably
just say, well thats too bad, i told him he needed to get his life together, but its no skin off my back. i just worry about my dad. i cant stand the thought of him
being sad. fuck my mom. what a god damn annoyance she is. my friends are shit, they're not half as cool as Britta's friends. im such a piece of shit.
i look like ass, my attempts at personality are, feeble. all i have is pain. i would send the pain below, but below, it's full. i will not be remembered, except by
my parents. who would remember me even if i was a doorknob. i am invisible. noone cares about me. diediediediediediediediedieDIEdiediediedie
diediediedieDiedIediEdiediedieDEAD. how does the body live when the mind is dead? i wish i could will myself to stop breathing, stop my heart, i dont
need it. whats the point? what do i have to look forward to but more pain? i suppose i can look forward to dying. that will be fun. i have to do it right
by a wall, so my blood will splatter on the wall. ill take off my shirt too so i can see the wound. ill get all pumped up before i do it even though ill be sad
so i can live longer. i wonder what it will feel like, the physical pain of it and also, just knowing that ill never do anything else. i can savor the expressions of
my "friends" in a futile attempt to make believe that someone cares about me. no one has ever known me, so no one will really mourn me, it'll just be some
act that i put on that they'll mourn. ari will mourn my video game discussions. nate and ari will miss me as a car. my parents will miss my symbolic representation
of something good that they made. they didnt make anything good. they put out a shit product. defective, ugly, useless.
This is actually a couple years old, but I just found it and it's like something I could have wrote recently, or have wrote recently actually.

My force of will has been drained into a spawning pit of anger, durress, and terror. I love magic.

I hope this post at least is readable and has some sort of form to it, I'm tired as hell and going to bed.

Sat, Jan. 8th, 2005 02:29 am (UTC)

Chris, I'm not sure whether to hug you or slap you. I have no clue whether you need a big dose of reality or to be held. Maybe both. Who knows.

But I just have one other thought:
In there you said that no one knew you so no one would mourn you.
And honestly, that would be your own fault for not letting anybody.

So where did you find this? Was it on your computer?