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Tue, Jan. 18th, 2005, 11:13 pm
Feeling lonely

Last week was a lot of fun. I played in (and won) the Magic type 1.5 tournament at the Monster Den. It was a blast.

*BEGIN BANAL MAGIC BANTER* (You should just skip to the end if you don't know anything about Magic)
I was playing B/g Suicide with deeds and spiritmongers. In the semifinals I played against a U/w control deck. First turn, Negator. Second turn, swing for 5. Cast ANOTHER Negator! It was hot. Third turn, swing for 10. Fourth turn, win. The techiest play of the afternoon came when I was playing the same U/w deck. I had a Negator out and he was searching for an answer (this is post sideboard). So he has the brilliant idea to board in Bribery, (hoping I like big creatures too much to take out the mongers) anyway, he casts Bribery with five land out. He looks through my deck and finds, NO SPIRITMONGERS. He grudgingly gets a Negator of his own. At this point I have 7 land out. He passes the turn and I swing in for 5. He blocks. I go down to 2 land and him to none. We play a few turns of draw go and I eventually draw and resolve a threat while he is still searching for gas.

In last weeks draft there was another amazing play. I'm playing U/G aggro control vs. B/R spirits. My opponent has board position. He has a thief of hope in play and a land and hanabi blast in hand. I have a kami of the hunt in play and a consuming vortex in hand. On his turn he blasts the kami. In response I vortex his thief, a foil one at that, back to his hand. My kami gets 1/ 1 until eot because vortex is arcane, and now hes got the chance of losing his thief. The air is intense, I can see the sweat rolling off his forehead. He shuffles up hoping that the longer he shuffles the greater the chance is that I pick his land. I reach for the middle card revealing, ... Thief of Hope! MISE! I hear the trumpets in the background spreading my glory across the store. My opponent stares in disbelief that his own blast not only failed to kill my creature, but essentially killed his own. The virtual card advantage is steaming out of my ears at this point and I go on to win the match. I didn't win this one but placed in the money and got myself another week of free drafts.


I don't mean to sound so irrepressibly drab and awful, but I have been feeling really terrible as of late. It's not quite as bad as a couple weeks ago, but the overriding sense of emptiness is still there. I did a little online research on Major Depression and found out some interesting facts.

"It is a commonplace among clinicians that depression is not a feeling, but an absence of feeling. That is, depression is different than feeling sadness, loneliness, or disappointment. Rather it is the experience blankness, hollowness, or nullity. But there is also near consensus that the blankness results from the suppression of feeling. That is, depression is a defense against emotional pain that seems so continuous as to be unbearable. Rather than feel the constant pain, one numbs the senses......

However, their bodily expression, excepting the face, uniformly were suggestive of another primary emotion, shame. Indeed, their bodies positively radiated shame. The manner of each of the older men in the interview can be interpreted as an expression of continuing shame. Over-soft speech, lack of eye contact, slowness, fluster, and self-blame all are elemental shame indicators. The behavior and appearance of these men suggested that they were deeply ashamed for most of the interview. These observations support Lewis’s (1981) theory of depression: although suppressed grief and anger may be present, the primary emotion is unacknowledged (unconscious) shame....

Probably the dominant source of shame, however, was one that may have been characteristic of all of these men: none them seemed to have a single secure bond with another human being."
http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/faculty/scheff/12.html The full report if anyone is interested.
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.major.html This is the site where I found it on, it's all about Major Depression

I've had Major Depression for about 5 years, maybe 6 now. I didn't really realize that depression is not just sadness and everything that goes along with that but is the actual numbing of your emotions. I've felt that, and it makes alot of sense. An epiphany of sorts if you will. It's very disheartening to learn about this though, or maybe heartening if you're a glass full kinda guy. The reason for this is that I believe that this is a big reason that my relationship with Mel failed, and quite possibly the same reason many of my other relationships failed. With Mel, I could feel that I really liked her, but I couldn't feel anything more than that, even though I felt that I should. Or to rephrase that, that if I was healthy I would be feeling more.

In one sense it's good to know that the feelings of hollowness are part of the depression, in that it can be treated. The flipside to that is that for the first time in my life I don't have health insurance. No psychotherapist for me.

I'm too tired to think anymore. Maybe next time I'll reflect some more.

Thu, Jan. 20th, 2005 08:37 pm (UTC)

*HUGS* i'm so proud of you for looking this up on your own and taking the initiative. I'm really sorry I was a bit harsh sounding with you the other day. If you want to talk more about this I will definately be all ears, k?
remember, I went through this too. It is possible to feel better...a bit anyway. :) but you're right..i really wish Servicer Master would give you medical insurance. Try getting some through the state maybe?